Isolation Within The Group
I experience this mostly at home, which is arguably what makes it so frustrating, what makes it set my anxiety on edge as effectively as it does. It's not that I necessarily have a problem with being on my own, or doing separate things from the other people in the room, but there's something inherently unsettling about the way it happens at home.
When all of us are home, I feel the least comfortable in my own space. All of the interactions feel forced. They all feel performed. And they all feel like they revolve around the television, be it YouTube, Netflix, or video games. Lately, we've watched some DVDs, but, regardless of why, we find ourselves parked on the couch until I inevitably feel anxious and itchy and have to leave the apartment.
Worst of all, a lot of the time the television screen isn't good enough. Without fail, at some point, the phones will come out, and social media browsing will replace the consumption of whatever's on the television. It's like we all just need the TV to fill the silence and provide conversation to hide the fact that we won't talk to one another.
It's unsettling. It bothers me. And while I've tried to break away from that pattern by writing more, all it's done is put me in the desk chair behind the couch and on my laptop. And while I work on it, I always feel this itching at the back of my neck, this nervousness that someone is watching me, reading what I'm doing, spying on me...It's not healthy. But at least from the desk, I don't feel half as nervous about getting up and walking around.
But this isolation is prevalent. I become increasingly nervous as the day wears on. I begin pacing and begin to hate the feeling of being in my own space. I'll try to fix it; I'll try to reach out and say something. But more often than not, the conversation peters out, dies, and silence reigns again.
I grew up in a household where silence and doing activities independently was fine, if not encouraged. But something about how it's done here doesn't sit well with me. The worst part is, I don't know how to discuss it, how to bring it up, or even how to fix it.
I just needed to get it out of my system. I'm not looking for help; I'm not looking for advice. I just needed to say it.